Mentally Maternal. Anxiously Mothering.
Why a blog? Why write about topics that are controversial to some, and uncomfortable for several? Why choose to start a blog in addition to a full-time job and two kids?
Because I had to.
Not had to as in forced to–no one is holding a gun to my head making me write posts or choose formatting. But I still felt that I had to do this.
I think part of the appeal of blogging, to me, is the idea of creating connections and communities. Obviously, I can’t speak for all parents, but to me motherhood can be isolating. Creating a website to talk about motherhood, mental health, and the relationship between the two feels like a way to create a community of sorts. A way to connect with other parents on journeys that are similar to the one I find myself on.
Blogging also offers me a creative outlet. As a former English major-turned-English teacher, writing is soothing to me. I love words and phrasing, I love how we can communicate emotions by choosing words that have the right tone or mood. Writing has the ability to be both freeing and cathartic, for me, anyhow.
There are so many things that drew me to the idea of starting a website, to start this website. I felt passionate about it, so I jumped in head first. I spent time going through resources, setting up a site, and writing.
And I second guessed absolutely everything.
Hi. I’m Caylee, author of Mentally Maternal, and I have anxiety and depression.
This blog has been an exercise in choosing to try, to not listen to the voice in my head saying no one cares or will read it. To be honest, even writing this, I feel the pit in my stomach. There’s so much vulnerability in putting yourself, your story, your family and their stories, into the world.
And I still, wholeheartedly believe, that I’m supposed to do this anyway.
Anxiety is not only a mental health struggle, complete with invasive thoughts and worst case scenarios, but also a physical one. The tightness in your chest, the way that you can’t breathe in deeply. Anxiety was my first diagnosis, and I would love to tell you I also have it under control, but that is not the case.
I may not have my anxiety fully under control, but I’m still here, still writing. I was absolutely paralyzed when I was diagnosed with anxiety. Handling the diagnosis was weird for me, I thought that anything I did would make it worse. Plus, I was–of course–worried about people finding out I was going to therapy or taking medication. Today, I’ve progressed to feeling this anxiety, the ache in my stomach, nerves, and not giving into it.
Easier said than done, right?
One thing that I have, that has made handling my anxiety and subsequent depression easier–if you can ever call mental health easy–is a great support system. My husband will hype me up, hold me when I cry about it, and call me on my shit.
“Chin up. Chest out. You got this shit.” And I do.
And, I want to prove to my anxiety that I’m in control, and that I won’t let my life be ruled by fear or shame any longer.
So here it is, my baby. Words, stories, and ideas that I feel compelled to share, in hopes of helping even one person through a rough spot, to help people see they’re not alone in their struggles with mental health or parenting. A community of people who see each other, encourage each other.
