Before You Read: I don’t feel comfortable talking about something I don’t have first hand experience with, so when I’m talking about dysregulation in neurodivergence, I’m referencing ADHD and ASD.
I’m currently reading Kids These Days by Jody Carrington for a continuing education credit. As I’m reading about the idea of dysregulation, Griffin keeps coming to mind. I found myself googling “Is dysregulation more common in ASD/neurodivergence?” The quick answer from Dr. Google was, yes.
Because of course it does.
Dysregulation in Neurodivergence
Dysregulation, for anyone who isn’t familiar with the term, is when people can’t regulate their emotions and responses to certain situations or stimuli.
Sounds like most autistic people I know, but the biggest thing I’ve noticed between my reading and living with Griffin is that when he’s dysregulated, it feels like it takes longer for him to be regulated again. Or, and maybe this is just my own experience, more extreme methods: think… laying my upper body weight over him while they were cleaning his teeth the last time.
Essentially, the book is focused on the idea that if emotional regulation isn’t modeled, or taught, consistently–but not perfectly, 100% of the time, parents of the world, like 30% of the time is considered a positive consistency–that you can’t develop the skills. They are not innate, they are not self-taught, they have to be modeled.
If you only have negative examples, you won’t have positive self-regulation skills.
How Dysregulation Affects Our Home
My own emotional regulation skills sometimes fail, so it’s not surprising that my kids are still working on theirs. That’s the kicker though, both boys, but especially Griffin, need emotional regulation to be modeled for them.
In terms of teaching, this is a good thing to know, how to regulate dysregulated students. Even in the upper levels, I need to help kids come down sometimes.
But in my home, it’s harder.
My home is where my own dysregulation comes out the most. It’s where I can let down the mask I wear on a daily basis. And honestly, sometimes I’m so dysregulated I feel like I have no business even broaching the subject of choices when we’re having big feelings with my kids.
It’s hard to help two little someones who are just starting to learn about interpersonal skills, just learning how to recognize their emotions and how they can manage them, when you struggle with it yourself.
Really. Really hard.
Most of us who struggle with mental health, or are neurodivergent in any aspect, struggle with regulating our emotions. It’s just a fact of life. So, when you have a family with multiple neurodivergent people…it’s a little chaotic here, okay.
Motherhood and Dysregulation
Personally? I struggle with regulating my emotions in times of conflict. I really have a hard time staying in what Carrington refers to as the “upstairs brain” or “keeping the lid unflipped.” When I’m around conflict things generally go one of two ways: I shut down completely, closing in on myself, ooooor I lose every bit of filter I have ever possessed and say the most awful things. I aim low, and I know that about myself.
This is a terrible example for my kids!
One of the things I’ve been actively working on, is attempting to be calm enough to speak rationally.
This isn’t easy for me. I come from a family of blunt, loud people. While I struggle not to shut down sometimes, my biggest concern is I’ll lose control of my tongue–which my grandma once told me was sharp enough to cut people. So.
I don’t want my children to face conflict with this kind of either/or response, I want them to be able to handle any conflict they face with respect and grace.
Which means, according to Kids These Days that I have to model this. I have to model healthy regulation for them, so they can develop those skills for themselves.
Dysregulation isn’t just about conflict though, it’s any instance where your emotions take over and you end up in a state of fight/flight/freeze.
It happens when you’re afraid in a tornado watch. When you fall in front of people and you’re embarrassed. When you find out something that elicits a major emotional response.
One of the hardest things I’ve experienced as someone with mental illness and a neurodivergent kid is navigating these moments of dysregulation in my kids, without becoming dysregulated myself.
The fact of the matter is, I’m actively trying to make these changes, to be aware of my own regulation, my responses and emotions, only because of them.
I wasn’t really aware of how often I was dysregulated before, because it’s a whole different ball game once you have kids. As a teacher, I could walk away at the end of the day, take space and time before I had to be ready to face the child again.
At home? We’re lucky if we get a fifteen minute break from each other. There isn’t time to go home and process, to align my feelings, to get to the logical mindset.
I have had to learn how to quickly switch to the rational side, so that I don’t lose my cool and create an even bigger cycle of dysregulation.
It’s not been easy, let me tell you, and it’s a work in progress, just like any part of parenthood really.
Heading Forward
Once I finished Kids These Days, I feel like I have a better understanding of emotional regulation in general. The biggest lesson the book, and the introspection it started, was that I have work to do.
I have to keep regulating my own emotions through whatever means necessary, so that my kids can have a chance at creating regulation skills as well.
Just another example of why parenting is one of the hardest journeys you can be on. Rewarding, challenging, and sometimes overwhelming, yes, but hard at times. We have to continue to grow and learn so that we can teach our children to do the same.
And honestly, the end result will be better for us all.
