I may be one of the only people who doesn’t love summer. I mean, like most people, I thrive on sunlight, birds chirping, and warmth. Like most teachers, I am so very ready for summer break by May. However, once the Fourth of July rolls around my anxiety skyrockets, and my depression usually hits too.
It sounds crazy, right? The very things that create calm and peace in so many: sunshine, outside time, long weekends, family trips, all the good summer things, just create this feeling of anxiety and worry in me.
Did we put on enough sunscreen? Are these the mosquitoes that carry West Nile? Are there ticks? Eww. But also, lyme disease.
See the problem?
Being an anxious mom means that this is the way of my brain, and don’t worry, I am like this every season.
But for some reason, this summer, the anxiety has kept me from taking the boys to do much. Even going to the park is anxiety-inducing for me. I worry about what would happen if I looked away from one boy and the other ran or was taken.
I live in a small town, in a small, safe state. My kids are eight and five. While the anxiety of it has stopped us from going, I also see that it’s an unfounded anxiety.
Another huge anxiety point for me, and one that I wish I could power through for my kids, is the pool.
My husband has a full-time job which means the summers are me and the boys all day. When we do go out, it’s just the kids and me, which means there’s an additional level of fear and anxiety.
We, again, are a small town. We’re lucky to have a great pool, which is staffed with at least five guards on duty at a time. I shouldn’t be anxious about this, right?
The problem, for me at least, is that my children rarely-if ever-want to do the same things at the same time. So in the instance of the pool, one wants to be in the five foot, one wants to stay by the trees that spray water. They’re both old enough that it should be okay, but I have this irrational fear–every summer–that if I take my eyes off of one of my kids, something catastrophic will happen.
Maybe it’s a natural parental fear, maybe it’s the fact that summer seems to bring about the deaths of young kids in heartbreaking accidents. Maybe, it’s just my anxiety focused on one aspect of my life.
The fact of the matter is, though, that this has absolutely affected our summer.
I worry that my anxiety, my fears, my willingness to hide from life rather than face my fears, is impacting my children in a negative way.
This overwhelming anxiety is hard to explain, especially to people who don’t experience anxiety. This is made even worse, because we’re clearly not doing the normal summer things.
My guilt, plus a healthy fear–okay, fine, another dose of anxiety–of judgement, adds to the overall anxiety.
How do you explain that the idea of taking your two children out of the house causes you to have a paralyzing fear and a nauseous feeling in your gut until your safe at home? How do you explain that you know you’re kids deserve the summer experience they’re not getting, but leaving home feels like a more overwhelmingly impossible task.
Anxiety doesn’t really cover it.
I want to be a good mom. I want to not let my own mental illnesses win, but sometimes it’s hard.
So, remember, if you know a mom who’s stayed in a lot this summer, try inviting her out or over. Sometimes, just having another mom there is all the help you need to make it through. And usually, once I make it out the door, I feel so much better in doing it.
